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2 years, 5 months, 10 days

Its been 2 years, 5 months, and 10 days since you left us here on Earth. I've learned so much about myself during this time.  I have made so many changes from the life you once shared with me.  I wonder if you would even recognize me now...  I believe you would be so proud of my personal growth.  I accepted your departure, finally, after many grief-stricken months and I learned to embrace the memories and lessons you left behind.  I am thankful for everything I went through with you because it has shaped me into the person I am today.  I quit my job and claimed ownership and full control of my life and the hours spent away from Liam. I distanced myself for a while. I mean, I moved to the country in Puerto Rico, practically off the grid and allowed myself to just soak up being a mother to our son. By making him my primary focus, it allowed me to let go of the things I couldn't control.  I focused inward and changed the thoughts of the people around me who thought I was crazy a
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Migraines and Love

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On days like this, I need moments like this.   I've been struggling. There are 15 needles simultaneously stabbing me in my left eye, or at least that's how I feel. How can a migraine knock me down faster than any other pain I've ever dealt with? And why must my 13 month old decide that today, he will NOT nap. Today, he will NOT stop nursing. Today, he will NOT stop pulling and tugging at me.  I'm not angry or upset with him for just needing his mom today. I'm angry and upset that I have a migraine that is not allowing me to be the best parent I can be today.  And then he just looks at me as he often does while nursing and he just melts me. He is the most beautiful little human I've ever seen and he has the power to reset my mood in an instant.   As he reached for my breast for the 17th time today, I reached behind me and pulled out my camera. I knew I had to capture this moment. What I didn't know, is that when I would preview the photo on my camera im
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I love my LGBT Family

I took a stand and made our story public several weeks ago, so that I could hopefully make a change in the lives of other same-sex couples who could be facing the same struggles as Liz and I faced with discrimination.  Liz wanted me to make a difference, and I think I did.  What I didn't expect, however, is the outpour of love and support that we received after I did that. Liz and I never did things expecting anything in return. We simply did them because we wanted to do the RIGHT thing always. We never once hesitated about making our story public, because we knew that even though it was potentially too late to make changes that could impact our lives, the changes were necessary. We were both very passionate about ending discrimination against same-sex couples and families, and Liz was so proud of me/us for being able to do our part for our LGBT community.
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Thankful

I'm a hurricane of emotions lately. Between losing Liz and meeting my son and everything in between, its been hard to wrap my head and heart around what exactly I am feeling.  But, one thing that I can distinctly recognize is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I could easily sit here and just bury myself in sadness and focus on all that I've lost this year. But, my son needs me to be strong and healthy and positive and to be honest - it makes it easier to focus on the good things I've experienced since last Thanksgiving. Last year, Liz and I spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home, just the two of us.  She was still going through chemo and radiation and wasn't feeling well, so I made us a mini dinner and we just ate it and watched some redbox movies. I'm so thankful to have had that last Thanksgiving memory with her. We enjoyed each other's company and we talked about what we wanted to do for the holidays. We made plans. We made plans that we followed through
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Beautiful Angel

My beloved fiancé, my gorgeous partner, my best friend... My sweet Liz - She is now my beautiful angel.  Her face looked so peaceful upon her passing. She had a smile on her face, as if she saw something beautiful before she left us. I thank God for the time I had with her. Before she passed away, I took a nap with her and held her. She was not in any pain, she was not suffering; she just fell into a deep sleep and her heart stopped in her sleep.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect departure for her.  She truly deserved to go as sweetly as she did.  When she slipped away, my heart shattered and smiled at the same time.  I will forever miss the greatest love I've ever known, but I am at peace because she is no longer suffering.  I envision her with her beautiful hair back just the way she loved to style it. I can see the amazing smile on her face that illuminated the room.  I hear her laughing with the angels and just being free again.  She is perfection and I am so luck
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You Booful.

For the last few months, our life has been extremely challenging. I am struggling between the excitement of new life as I carry and nurture my son in my womb and the heartbreaking emotions of losing a loved one as I slowly watch my partner's mind and body be captivated by death.  Lately, it's been nothing short of torturous for both of us.  She stopped communicating verbally a few days ago. Once in a while she can get a "no" or a grunt out to indicate when she DOESN'T want something, but questions with yes answers are a guessing game. "Do you need to use the bathroom?" -- blank stare. "Squeeze my hand if you want to use the bathroom." -- grunt. "Lets just get up and try to use the bathroom then, honey. If you can go, great, and if not, its no big deal."  --tears. Pause. Stop asking for a minute. Repeat, using different words... Finally, I get her up, and on the potty, and boom. She uses the bathroom.  (I knew it.) I suppose I
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I can't come up with a title for this post.

I think I know how prisoners on death row feel. When you or someone you love is given a timeline, you are forever changed.  You don't want to take a single breath; minute; moment for granted.  You want to live as long as you can. My beautiful, talented, giving, energetic, selfless, loving, one-of-a-kind girlfriend was given 2-6 months to live.  Cancer. Cancer is taking over her body and it has taken over every bit of our lives. It has taken the innocence of tomorrow away from us. I can't believe this is where we are today, when she was JUST DIAGNOSED last August. Every time she makes the slightest movements in the morning, I inhale deeply. I feel the oxygen as it moves through my lungs and distributes itself through every part of my body. Then, I feel the urge to let go of that deep breath and can envision the carbon dioxide molecules just pouring out of my body as tears glide down the side of my face. Thank you God, for another day. Is this our new normal or will we ever be
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