Today Morning...

Its been 2 years, 5 months, and 10 days since you left us here on Earth. I've learned so much about myself during this time.  I have made so many changes from the life you once shared with me.  I wonder if you would even recognize me now...  I believe you would be so proud of my personal growth.  I accepted your departure, finally, after many grief-stricken months and I learned to embrace the memories and lessons you left behind.  I am thankful for everything I went through with you because it has shaped me into the person I am today.  I quit my job and claimed ownership and full control of my life and the hours spent away from Liam. I distanced myself for a while. I mean, I moved to the country in Puerto Rico, practically off the grid and allowed myself to just soak up being a mother to our son. By making him my primary focus, it allowed me to let go of the things I couldn't control.  I focused inward and changed the thoughts of the p...

On days like this, I need moments like this.   I've been struggling. There are 15 needles simultaneously stabbing me in my left eye, or at least that's how I feel. How can a migraine knock me down faster than any other pain I've ever dealt with? And why must my 13 month old decide that today, he will NOT nap. Today, he will NOT stop nursing. Today, he will NOT stop pulling and tugging at me.  I'm not angry or upset with him for just needing his mom today. I'm angry and upset that I have a migraine that is not allowing me to be the best parent I can be today.  And then he just looks at me as he often does while nursing and he just melts me. He is the most beautiful little human I've ever seen and he has the power to reset my mood in an instant.   As he reached for my breast for the 17th time today, I reached behind me and pulled out my camera. I knew I had to capture this moment. What I didn't know, is that when I would preview the photo on my camera im...

I took a stand and made our story public several weeks ago, so that I could hopefully make a change in the lives of other same-sex couples who could be facing the same struggles as Liz and I faced with discrimination.  Liz wanted me to make a difference, and I think I did.  What I didn't expect, however, is the outpour of love and support that we received after I did that. Liz and I never did things expecting anything in return. We simply did them because we wanted to do the RIGHT thing always. We never once hesitated about making our story public, because we knew that even though it was potentially too late to make changes that could impact our lives, the changes were necessary. We were both very passionate about ending discrimination against same-sex couples and families, and Liz was so proud of me/us for being able to do our part for our LGBT community.

I'm a hurricane of emotions lately. Between losing Liz and meeting my son and everything in between, its been hard to wrap my head and heart around what exactly I am feeling.  But, one thing that I can distinctly recognize is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I could easily sit here and just bury myself in sadness and focus on all that I've lost this year. But, my son needs me to be strong and healthy and positive and to be honest - it makes it easier to focus on the good things I've experienced since last Thanksgiving. Last year, Liz and I spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home, just the two of us.  She was still going through chemo and radiation and wasn't feeling well, so I made us a mini dinner and we just ate it and watched some redbox movies. I'm so thankful to have had that last Thanksgiving memory with her. We enjoyed each other's company and we talked about what we wanted to do for the holidays. We made plans. We made plans that we followed through...

My beloved fiancé, my gorgeous partner, my best friend... My sweet Liz - She is now my beautiful angel.  Her face looked so peaceful upon her passing. She had a smile on her face, as if she saw something beautiful before she left us. I thank God for the time I had with her. Before she passed away, I took a nap with her and held her. She was not in any pain, she was not suffering; she just fell into a deep sleep and her heart stopped in her sleep.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect departure for her.  She truly deserved to go as sweetly as she did.  When she slipped away, my heart shattered and smiled at the same time.  I will forever miss the greatest love I've ever known, but I am at peace because she is no longer suffering.  I envision her with her beautiful hair back just the way she loved to style it. I can see the amazing smile on her face that illuminated the room.  I hear her laughing with the angels and just being free again....

For the last few months, our life has been extremely challenging. I am struggling between the excitement of new life as I carry and nurture my son in my womb and the heartbreaking emotions of losing a loved one as I slowly watch my partner's mind and body be captivated by death.  Lately, it's been nothing short of torturous for both of us.  She stopped communicating verbally a few days ago. Once in a while she can get a "no" or a grunt out to indicate when she DOESN'T want something, but questions with yes answers are a guessing game. "Do you need to use the bathroom?" -- blank stare. "Squeeze my hand if you want to use the bathroom." -- grunt. "Lets just get up and try to use the bathroom then, honey. If you can go, great, and if not, its no big deal."  --tears. Pause. Stop asking for a minute. Repeat, using different words... Finally, I get her up, and on the potty, and boom. She uses the bathroom.  (I knew it.) I suppose I ...

I think I know how prisoners on death row feel. When you or someone you love is given a timeline, you are forever changed.  You don't want to take a single breath; minute; moment for granted.  You want to live as long as you can. My beautiful, talented, giving, energetic, selfless, loving, one-of-a-kind girlfriend was given 2-6 months to live.  Cancer. Cancer is taking over her body and it has taken over every bit of our lives. It has taken the innocence of tomorrow away from us. I can't believe this is where we are today, when she was JUST DIAGNOSED last August. Every time she makes the slightest movements in the morning, I inhale deeply. I feel the oxygen as it moves through my lungs and distributes itself through every part of my body. Then, I feel the urge to let go of that deep breath and can envision the carbon dioxide molecules just pouring out of my body as tears glide down the side of my face. Thank you God, for another day. Is this our new normal or will we ev...

Sometimes I sit here and think about my life/our lives and wonder if we are just all part of a script for someone else's entertainment.  Sure, it sounds like I'm being a drama queen, but the things that Liz and I go through sometimes feel like they only happen in soap operas. Life does seem a little more complicated than it has to be, most days. And on the days where things go perfectly well, I sit there and enjoy the simplicity of what I wish my life could always be; and what I know it will be at the end of all of this.  Cancer is difficult. Insurance issues are difficult. Sleeping in hospital recliners is difficult.  Not having enough money to fill all of her prescriptions is difficult.  Checking the mail is difficult.  Hell, I just opened another $3K bill today.  I love the peace I feel when things are good, especially in our home and in my personal and business relationships... that's all I've ever wanted. I've put a lot of effort into making ...

Now that we are doing Liz's treatments as an outpatient, the family has been taking turns

I am going to try my best to keep this blog up to date with Liz's cancer progress. I think it will be easier for me to express myself this way and also keep everyone in the loop.  I am so good at pouring my heart out on paper... er... on a keyboard. For those of you who are following this blog, thank you.  I am going to do my best to put up a new post each week; sometimes more.  Liz is also going to do her best (when she has the energy) to post videos about what she is going through.  She filmed one in the hospital right after her diagnosis.  If you missed it, you can click here to watch it.  I left off on the 28th of August.  If you did not get to read my last post with everything leading up to the diagnosis and staging, click here .  She had a lot of visitors last week at the hospital, and everyone who walked through the lobby of her floor in the cancer institute was happy to pose for a picture in front of the cancer sign, expressing their fe...

I know what you're thinking. The title of this blog post is sooooooo cliche, isn't it? Well, yes. I have to agree, but there really isn't another appropriate title for this post. It just fits. This isn't going to be a post about God or religion or Christianity or whatever in general.  Whatever you believe is fine by me.  Some may say this is God's work, others will simply say "The universe provides." As for me and my family, we believe in God. But, that's neither here nor there. I simply want to talk about everything leading up to this point and how thankful I am that everything happened the way that it did. Let's start with the present day.  Liz was just diagnosed with a pretty aggressive stage 2 cervical cancer. Now, lets talk about why I'm feeling thankful, optimistic, and overall happy about this.  Weird, right?  You'll understand by the end of this post; I promise. Since Liz moved to Florida, we have been in and out of hospitals,...

My Story. On November 30, 2000, I moved to Florida from my beloved city of Chicago. I never wanted to leave Chicago, but my family moved in June of the same year and I just couldn't be so far away from them. Reluctantly, at the age of 23, I packed up my belongings and moved.  It wasn't easy. I left a boyfriend, great friends, cousins, and a killer salsa scene behind.  The transition was awful.  West Palm Beach, Florida was incredibly 'slow' for my liking.  When I first arrived, I expected to see a horse drawn carriage trotting down the street. I was a city girl and I loved the fast pace of the big city life.  Florida just didn't feel like "home" to me.  I spent New Year's Eve alone that year in my mother's home crying in the bottom bunk of my brothers' bedroom just fantasizing about what all of my friends were doing up North. I refused to bring the New Year in with a bunch of old strangers (my mother's friends.) Fast forward to January,...

Consumed by my thoughts. Living in a nightmare. When am I going to be able to stop feeling like I'm suffocating from the inside out? My heart is heavy and tight. This must be what a heart attack feels like. Somebody let go, please; let go of my heart and stop squeezing. My stomach keeps fluttering... or maybe it's growling. I can't tell the difference between physical, emotional, or mental distress anymore. I cry more than I breathe. I sometimes forget to breathe. I have to remind myself to blink. My eyes are red. My body feels weak. I'm floating away without my anchor. If I try to forget, I remember. Instead of hatred, I feel love. I've been stomped on. I am drained. I am afraid. I am unsure. I am a nervous wreck. If I am bleeding, I can't tell. My head is aching. I am sad. I am dark. I am not me. She is happy. Two weeks ago, I was taking a pregnancy test. Two weeks ago, I had it all. Two weeks ago, I was full of love, hope, dreams, joy, security, promises, t...

Happy birthday to me... I am thirty four years old now and I have so much to be thankful for.  I have never been the type of person to take things for granted. I value what I have; all of it.  I have life, for starters. For the most part, I have good health - let's just say I have no terminal illnesses. I have a home to live in. I have a car to take me places. I have an amazing job. I have family and friends who care about me.  I have love. I have food to eat every day. I have shoes on my feet. I have running water. I have electricity and central air. I have a sound mind. I have all of my limbs and the ability to use them. I know that every time I am granted another day of life, the sun will also be there to greet me. In my thirty four years, I've loved, I've lost, I've seen snow, I've left the country, I've been wealthy, I've been poor, and I've lived in rented (and owned) rooms, apartments, and houses.  I've fallen. I've broken a bone. I'...

 Your mother and I decided that it was time to convert your room into an office / craft room.  Son, my heart is heavy with this decision.  I've kept your room intact for almost two years...  Since you were born, that room has been a safe haven for me.  I go there to think; to grieve; to talk to you; and to feel peace.  I go there when I miss you; I imagine you in your crib. I've played with your toys; unfastened and refastened the velcro of the cute flip flops you would have worn last summer.  I dust and polish the furniture regularly. I sit in the glider and rock back and forth with my feet up on the ottoman; wishing I was rocking you to sleep.  I meditate. I touch the elephants... a gift from your grandmother.  I open the dresser drawers and unfold and refold tiny infant clothes that you never got to wear.  I admire the beautiful diaper bag your mother bought for me to carry and the collection of cloth diapers inside.  I close m...

I've had a lot of people request a written recipe for the fondant cake I vlogged about on YouTube, so here it is! Also, my God-daughter came over that night to help me decorate a few more cakes, so here are a few picture of a few cakes we decorated together that night. The other picture is of a cake I recently made for a dinner party. I'm no "Cake Boss", but I really do enjoy making these cakes! Fondant Icing Cake’s Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups of butter 2 1/2 cups of granulated sugar 3 cups of all-purpose flour 1 cup of milk 5 eggs 1 teaspoon Almonds Extract (I’m using the almonds extract but you can easily replace it with pure vanilla extract or any other flavor you like) 3/4 teaspoon of baking powder 1/4 teaspoon of salt Remember, this is NOT a light and fluffy cake, by any means. It's a denser cake. If you're going to make a big cake, this is definitely the recipe to use because the weight of the fondant might weigh a lighter cake down too...

So I've always been drawn to children; and they've always been drawn to me.  Yesterday, I got to school a little early and as I waited by the elevator to ride up to my lab, a little girl (around 2) and her mom walked up. As we walked into the elevator, she looked up at me and said "hi" in the sweetest little voice ever and waved. She was smiling so big and she was just sooo beautiful. Her mother said to me "Do you have kids?" I responded with a simple "no ... ", but was still smiling and conversing with the baby (saying hi back and forth like five times). She grunted as she picked up the baby and put her on her hip and said "you're lucky". I wonder if she noticed the tear as I got off the elevator and said goodbye to her daughter. Some people really don't value the gifts they have... </3