You Booful.

For the last few months, our life has been extremely challenging. I am struggling between the excitement of new life as I carry and nurture my son in my womb and the heartbreaking emotions of losing a loved one as I slowly watch my partner's mind and body be captivated by death.  Lately, it's been nothing short of torturous for both of us.  She stopped communicating verbally a few days ago. Once in a while she can get a "no" or a grunt out to indicate when she DOESN'T want something, but questions with yes answers are a guessing game.

"Do you need to use the bathroom?" -- blank stare.
"Squeeze my hand if you want to use the bathroom." -- grunt.
"Lets just get up and try to use the bathroom then, honey. If you can go, great, and if not, its no big deal."  --tears.
Pause. Stop asking for a minute. Repeat, using different words...
Finally, I get her up, and on the potty, and boom. She uses the bathroom.  (I knew it.)

I suppose I should feel lucky and thankful that I am so in tune with her that I typically know what she really needs but, its not always easy.  When she cries out of frustration, tears stream down my face as well.  If I accidentally bump into her arm or leg or foot, she cries. Everything hurts. Then, I feel so guilty because I caused her more pain.  Its so difficult to be strong and not fall apart at least 25 times a day, especially being 8 months pregnant and doing it all alone.

I dress her, I change her, I bathe her, I shift her positions, I change her IV nutrition, I administer her IV medication, I give her all of her oral medications, I help her in the bathroom, I help her stand and sit and lay comfortably. I flush her g-tube, I fix it a thousand times a day when the drain bag slips off and makes a crazy mess all over the bed, her, the floor, etc.  I dry her tears, I brush her teeth, I read her mind, and overall, I keep her feeling safe, happy (I hope) and comfortable.  All of this happens around the clock, multiple times a day; and most days I have to think back to see "Did I eat/sleep today?" Yes. Yes, I did. I think. 

I talk to her all day, even though she doesn't respond. I don't treat her any different than before. She's no less important and I make sure she knows that.  Yesterday morning, I told her "I know you like it when I straighten my hair and I've been slacking for a few days, so I'm going to make sure I do it for you later so you can think I'm beautiful again."  The day ran away from me... I never got to do it... and last night she looked like she was desperately trying to tell me something. I said "take your time baby. I know you have your words in there. Just take your time and think about it. What are you trying to tell me?" And after a while, she touched my face and said "You booful."  Be still my heart.

If I never hear another word from her mouth again, it is okay.  Because my baby is in there. She loves me. She knows I'm doing my best to take care of her. She knows how much I love her. AND, she thinks I'm booful, even if my hair is a hot mess.

This is the love of my life.

I will love you forever, baby. For ever.