I can't come up with a title for this post.
I think I know how prisoners on death row feel. When you or someone you love is given a timeline, you are forever changed. You don't want to take a single breath; minute; moment for granted. You want to live as long as you can. My beautiful, talented, giving, energetic, selfless, loving, one-of-a-kind girlfriend was given 2-6 months to live. Cancer. Cancer is taking over her body and it has taken over every bit of our lives. It has taken the innocence of tomorrow away from us. I can't believe this is where we are today, when she was JUST DIAGNOSED last August.
Every time she makes the slightest movements in the morning, I inhale deeply. I feel the oxygen as it moves through my lungs and distributes itself through every part of my body. Then, I feel the urge to let go of that deep breath and can envision the carbon dioxide molecules just pouring out of my body as tears glide down the side of my face. Thank you God, for another day. Is this our new normal or will we ever be able to breathe freely again?
How many more days will we have? I don't know. Only God knows. But, I'm so thankful that we lived the last two and a half years together so completely and wholeheartedly. I have NO regrets. We never fight. Our relationship is so easy. We have travelled to places we have never been. We made some dreams come true together. We explored and went to new horizons. We saw the sunrise and the sunset. We did new things. We road tripped. We laughed. We laughed a lot. She never let me sleep on planes, which was frustrating at the time, but now - looking back - I'm thankful to have not wasted the time sleeping when I was able to hold her hand and watch a movie with her instead. We made wonderful memories together; memories that for us will last a lifetime. I pray to God each day that we will have more time to make more memories; and I believe we will. I dont know what our future holds. Im not in control. Still... I just dont know what to do or how to feel or even how to process this. I will be here to love and to hold and to care for her as long as I am able. I will continue to pray for her every day. I will keep trying to feed her to make her stronger, even when she gets angry with me. I will keep fighting with her and for her, when she can't fight for herself. I will have enough faith and love and devotion for the two of us; and even when she is to weak to show it I know how much she loves me. I see it in her soul; I see it in her eyes; I see it in the way she tries to smile when she hears my voice or when I talk about Liam.
Liam. Wow. Liam. Our beautiful and perfect miracle. I haven't even disclosed this to anyone publicly, but I am nearly 6 months pregnant with a baby boy. Liam. I kept this from the world to protect him and myself; as many of you know I lost my first son, Jason, at 21 weeks just 4 years ago. But Liam, he is strong. He is a warrior. He is resilient. The milestone I spoke about vaguely a week or two ago was me celebrating the fact that I have never been THIS pregnant before in my life. Liam is perfect and he will be here by November. This little miracle baby that we celebrate daily is the reason our days aren't as grim as they could be. Even at her weakest moments, Liz reaches over and touches my belly and talks to Liam about the Red Sox. I may not know what the future holds for us as a family, but I do know that Liam will always know the love that Liz has for him. I am documenting as much as I can for him and for me. And as Liz fights cancer with that strong will and amazing spirit; she gives me the strength to fight and hold on to this baby in my womb. It has not been an easy pregnancy. I've been on bed rest for months and will probably continue to be on bedrest for the duration of the pregnancy. I had a cerclage and a couple of scares, but we are almost there. We are on the home stretch. Liam's name means strong-willed warrior. That, you are son. You truly are.
There is no doubt in my mind that Liz will hold Liam in her arms this year. I envision us walking him into his first day of school together. I see us taking him to Fenway Park. I see us in Puerto Rico with our families. I see so many things in our future. It doesn't make life any easier to live, day after day.
All I want is to share my life with Liz and with Liam and I find myself angry. ANGRY! I'm so angry at cancer. I'm angry at the people who hurt her in the past. I'm angry at the people who STILL in this hour continue to hurt her!!! But I am able to pull myself together and I am able to calm myself down from that place, because if I only have a limited time left with this amazing woman, then I don't want to spend it angry. I want to give her reasons to smile; not cry. So I protect her; and I protect the peace in our home. I protect the sanctuary that I have worked so strongly to build for us, because she is happy here. She is peaceful and she feels free. And then I realize that I just feel sorry for the people who have had so many years with her and never took the time to know her for who she truly is. Its so sad and unfortunate how people can let ignorance and bigotry prevent them for seeing her for the magnificent woman she truly is. Its their loss, really. I'm the lucky one. I saw how amazing she was from the start and I never forgot that.
So if I don't call you back right away, or if I dont meet a timeline I promised I'd meet; please just be patient with me. I'm busy making memories and I may or may not get this chance again. Til death do us part. How many people do you know that take those words for granted? I will never do that. Legal or not; my commitment to her is real and forever. I have loved her since 2001 and I will love her for the rest of my life.
I'm not giving up on you, baby. I'll never give up.
Cancer, you will not destroy my spirit.
I'll love you forever, Liz.
Every time she makes the slightest movements in the morning, I inhale deeply. I feel the oxygen as it moves through my lungs and distributes itself through every part of my body. Then, I feel the urge to let go of that deep breath and can envision the carbon dioxide molecules just pouring out of my body as tears glide down the side of my face. Thank you God, for another day. Is this our new normal or will we ever be able to breathe freely again?
How many more days will we have? I don't know. Only God knows. But, I'm so thankful that we lived the last two and a half years together so completely and wholeheartedly. I have NO regrets. We never fight. Our relationship is so easy. We have travelled to places we have never been. We made some dreams come true together. We explored and went to new horizons. We saw the sunrise and the sunset. We did new things. We road tripped. We laughed. We laughed a lot. She never let me sleep on planes, which was frustrating at the time, but now - looking back - I'm thankful to have not wasted the time sleeping when I was able to hold her hand and watch a movie with her instead. We made wonderful memories together; memories that for us will last a lifetime. I pray to God each day that we will have more time to make more memories; and I believe we will. I dont know what our future holds. Im not in control. Still... I just dont know what to do or how to feel or even how to process this. I will be here to love and to hold and to care for her as long as I am able. I will continue to pray for her every day. I will keep trying to feed her to make her stronger, even when she gets angry with me. I will keep fighting with her and for her, when she can't fight for herself. I will have enough faith and love and devotion for the two of us; and even when she is to weak to show it I know how much she loves me. I see it in her soul; I see it in her eyes; I see it in the way she tries to smile when she hears my voice or when I talk about Liam.
Liam. Wow. Liam. Our beautiful and perfect miracle. I haven't even disclosed this to anyone publicly, but I am nearly 6 months pregnant with a baby boy. Liam. I kept this from the world to protect him and myself; as many of you know I lost my first son, Jason, at 21 weeks just 4 years ago. But Liam, he is strong. He is a warrior. He is resilient. The milestone I spoke about vaguely a week or two ago was me celebrating the fact that I have never been THIS pregnant before in my life. Liam is perfect and he will be here by November. This little miracle baby that we celebrate daily is the reason our days aren't as grim as they could be. Even at her weakest moments, Liz reaches over and touches my belly and talks to Liam about the Red Sox. I may not know what the future holds for us as a family, but I do know that Liam will always know the love that Liz has for him. I am documenting as much as I can for him and for me. And as Liz fights cancer with that strong will and amazing spirit; she gives me the strength to fight and hold on to this baby in my womb. It has not been an easy pregnancy. I've been on bed rest for months and will probably continue to be on bedrest for the duration of the pregnancy. I had a cerclage and a couple of scares, but we are almost there. We are on the home stretch. Liam's name means strong-willed warrior. That, you are son. You truly are.
There is no doubt in my mind that Liz will hold Liam in her arms this year. I envision us walking him into his first day of school together. I see us taking him to Fenway Park. I see us in Puerto Rico with our families. I see so many things in our future. It doesn't make life any easier to live, day after day.
All I want is to share my life with Liz and with Liam and I find myself angry. ANGRY! I'm so angry at cancer. I'm angry at the people who hurt her in the past. I'm angry at the people who STILL in this hour continue to hurt her!!! But I am able to pull myself together and I am able to calm myself down from that place, because if I only have a limited time left with this amazing woman, then I don't want to spend it angry. I want to give her reasons to smile; not cry. So I protect her; and I protect the peace in our home. I protect the sanctuary that I have worked so strongly to build for us, because she is happy here. She is peaceful and she feels free. And then I realize that I just feel sorry for the people who have had so many years with her and never took the time to know her for who she truly is. Its so sad and unfortunate how people can let ignorance and bigotry prevent them for seeing her for the magnificent woman she truly is. Its their loss, really. I'm the lucky one. I saw how amazing she was from the start and I never forgot that.
So if I don't call you back right away, or if I dont meet a timeline I promised I'd meet; please just be patient with me. I'm busy making memories and I may or may not get this chance again. Til death do us part. How many people do you know that take those words for granted? I will never do that. Legal or not; my commitment to her is real and forever. I have loved her since 2001 and I will love her for the rest of my life.
I'm not giving up on you, baby. I'll never give up.
Cancer, you will not destroy my spirit.
I'll love you forever, Liz.
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