Awake

Consumed by my thoughts. Living in a nightmare. When am I going to be able to stop feeling like I'm suffocating from the inside out? My heart is heavy and tight. This must be what a heart attack feels like. Somebody let go, please; let go of my heart and stop squeezing. My stomach keeps fluttering... or maybe it's growling. I can't tell the difference between physical, emotional, or mental distress anymore. I cry more than I breathe. I sometimes forget to breathe. I have to remind myself to blink. My eyes are red. My body feels weak. I'm floating away without my anchor. If I try to forget, I remember. Instead of hatred, I feel love. I've been stomped on. I am drained. I am afraid. I am unsure. I am a nervous wreck. If I am bleeding, I can't tell. My head is aching. I am sad. I am dark. I am not me. She is happy.

Two weeks ago, I was taking a pregnancy test. Two weeks ago, I had it all. Two weeks ago, I was full of love, hope, dreams, joy, security, promises, traditions, routines, happiness, laughter, and family.

Today, I am alone. I am neither here nor there. I have no plans. I have no hopes and dreams. I have no love. I have no engagement. I have no home. I have no spouse. I have a broken family.

I am awake. I am always awake. Consumed by my thoughts. Living in a nightmare which is my new reality. She is happy and she is asleep.

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