Thankful
I'm a hurricane of emotions lately. Between losing Liz and meeting my son and everything in between, its been hard to wrap my head and heart around what exactly I am feeling. But, one thing that I can distinctly recognize is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude.
I could easily sit here and just bury myself in sadness and focus on all that I've lost this year. But, my son needs me to be strong and healthy and positive and to be honest - it makes it easier to focus on the good things I've experienced since last Thanksgiving.
Last year, Liz and I spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home, just the two of us. She was still going through chemo and radiation and wasn't feeling well, so I made us a mini dinner and we just ate it and watched some redbox movies. I'm so thankful to have had that last Thanksgiving memory with her. We enjoyed each other's company and we talked about what we wanted to do for the holidays. We made plans. We made plans that we followed through with. I'm so thankful that we did that.
We spent Christmas day here, but hopped on a plane the next day and spent the next two weeks in Puerto Rico. She hadn't been to Puerto Rico in 13 years. We visited her family and mine. We had the time of our lives surrounded by people who truly loved us. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have changed a thing. That's the true test of living a happy life. We just lived and loved and did things that made us happy and we did those things together.
In January, we came home from our long holiday retreat and spent another week in Juno Beach, because I had a company meeting there. Liz and I had an amazing week with my colleagues. We let loose and danced and even had a couple of drinks to celebrate being done with cancer treatments. Liz showed a few of my colleagues the ring she purchased for me; I had no idea she was going to propose... but she did. She proposed the day we got home, and of course I said yes. I'm thankful for those moments, that week, the proposal, and the happiness that we shared.
In February, we began the process to conceive our son. He was conceived on the first try. I'm thankful for having documented the steps leading up to his conception (the countless injections and ultrasounds and tests). I'm so happy I made those videos with Liz, because one day I will be able to show my son how involved she was from the start and how hopeful and excited we both were to have a baby together.
In March, we got a new car on Liz's birthday during yet another one of my business trips. We got sick of our car and went into a dealership and both saw a car we loved and BAM just bought it. I'm so thankful that the cards were aligned for us that day, because when Liz drove us all the way home in our new car, her smile was priceless. I do believe that was the last time she actually drove...
In April, I won a never-ending 4 month battle against her insurance company who was refusing to cover her due to a technicality. I'm thankful that I never gave up and that I was able to get her the coverage she needed.
In May, she was finally able to get a hysterectomy. I'm thankful that she was able to have at least a few months of pain relief from having that awful tumor removed from her body.
In June, she lost her hair; but I'm thankful she never lost her spirit.
In July, her condition became terminal; but I'm thankful that she still had her smiles and positive energy. I'm thankful she had her family around her. I'm thankful she still had some fight left. We also announced we were having a baby boy; which made her so incredibly happy. We both wanted a son, and our wish came true. I'm so thankful for that.
In August, we were home with hospice. I'm thankful for all of the nurses who came to our home and all of the things that I learned. I was able to be very hands-on and I take pride in the care that I was able to provide to her myself.
In September, we celebrated my birthday. I'm thankful for the people in our lives who went out of their way to make my day special despite everything we had been going through. I'm thankful for our friends and family who helped Liz make the day special for me by sending flowers in her behalf. I'm thankful for the smiles and the memories.
In October, we had Liz's cousin and my cousin here (at different times) to assist with her care. I'm so thankful for family.
In November, Liz passed away, but she did so peacefully and in her home surrounded by people she loved. I'm thankful that I was here when she took her last breath and that she was no longer suffering. I'm also thankful for the guardian angel that both my son and I now have and that she is always going to be watching over us.
But, what I am most thankful for is the perfect baby boy that I have the great privilege of being a mother to. I get so emotional just thinking about the past year and everything we have overcome. Liam, Liz, and I did everything together. We were never apart. We fought every battle together and we went through every hospitalization together. We had happy moments and sad moments and scary moments, but we went through them all together. I'm thankful for that, because I know it made us a stronger family unit and even though my son never met his angel mother here on Earth, he knew her.
This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the experiences in the past year. I'm thankful for my employer, my colleagues, and the flexibility they gave me at my job. I'm thankful for being able to dedicate the past year to taking care of my love, and I'm thankful that we were able to just LIVE - completely and wholeheartedly. I'm thankful for the privilege of motherhood. I'm thankful for my son. I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful that even though I have so much to be sad about, that I am able to still recognize life's true blessings and gifts and that I am able to remain positive, hopeful, and still have the ability to smile and sing to my son. He deserves the best of me, and I'm thankful that so far, he's gotten it.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I could easily sit here and just bury myself in sadness and focus on all that I've lost this year. But, my son needs me to be strong and healthy and positive and to be honest - it makes it easier to focus on the good things I've experienced since last Thanksgiving.
Last year, Liz and I spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home, just the two of us. She was still going through chemo and radiation and wasn't feeling well, so I made us a mini dinner and we just ate it and watched some redbox movies. I'm so thankful to have had that last Thanksgiving memory with her. We enjoyed each other's company and we talked about what we wanted to do for the holidays. We made plans. We made plans that we followed through with. I'm so thankful that we did that.
We spent Christmas day here, but hopped on a plane the next day and spent the next two weeks in Puerto Rico. She hadn't been to Puerto Rico in 13 years. We visited her family and mine. We had the time of our lives surrounded by people who truly loved us. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have changed a thing. That's the true test of living a happy life. We just lived and loved and did things that made us happy and we did those things together.
In January, we came home from our long holiday retreat and spent another week in Juno Beach, because I had a company meeting there. Liz and I had an amazing week with my colleagues. We let loose and danced and even had a couple of drinks to celebrate being done with cancer treatments. Liz showed a few of my colleagues the ring she purchased for me; I had no idea she was going to propose... but she did. She proposed the day we got home, and of course I said yes. I'm thankful for those moments, that week, the proposal, and the happiness that we shared.
In February, we began the process to conceive our son. He was conceived on the first try. I'm thankful for having documented the steps leading up to his conception (the countless injections and ultrasounds and tests). I'm so happy I made those videos with Liz, because one day I will be able to show my son how involved she was from the start and how hopeful and excited we both were to have a baby together.
In March, we got a new car on Liz's birthday during yet another one of my business trips. We got sick of our car and went into a dealership and both saw a car we loved and BAM just bought it. I'm so thankful that the cards were aligned for us that day, because when Liz drove us all the way home in our new car, her smile was priceless. I do believe that was the last time she actually drove...
In April, I won a never-ending 4 month battle against her insurance company who was refusing to cover her due to a technicality. I'm thankful that I never gave up and that I was able to get her the coverage she needed.
In May, she was finally able to get a hysterectomy. I'm thankful that she was able to have at least a few months of pain relief from having that awful tumor removed from her body.
In June, she lost her hair; but I'm thankful she never lost her spirit.
In July, her condition became terminal; but I'm thankful that she still had her smiles and positive energy. I'm thankful she had her family around her. I'm thankful she still had some fight left. We also announced we were having a baby boy; which made her so incredibly happy. We both wanted a son, and our wish came true. I'm so thankful for that.
In August, we were home with hospice. I'm thankful for all of the nurses who came to our home and all of the things that I learned. I was able to be very hands-on and I take pride in the care that I was able to provide to her myself.
In September, we celebrated my birthday. I'm thankful for the people in our lives who went out of their way to make my day special despite everything we had been going through. I'm thankful for our friends and family who helped Liz make the day special for me by sending flowers in her behalf. I'm thankful for the smiles and the memories.
In October, we had Liz's cousin and my cousin here (at different times) to assist with her care. I'm so thankful for family.
In November, Liz passed away, but she did so peacefully and in her home surrounded by people she loved. I'm thankful that I was here when she took her last breath and that she was no longer suffering. I'm also thankful for the guardian angel that both my son and I now have and that she is always going to be watching over us.
But, what I am most thankful for is the perfect baby boy that I have the great privilege of being a mother to. I get so emotional just thinking about the past year and everything we have overcome. Liam, Liz, and I did everything together. We were never apart. We fought every battle together and we went through every hospitalization together. We had happy moments and sad moments and scary moments, but we went through them all together. I'm thankful for that, because I know it made us a stronger family unit and even though my son never met his angel mother here on Earth, he knew her.
This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the experiences in the past year. I'm thankful for my employer, my colleagues, and the flexibility they gave me at my job. I'm thankful for being able to dedicate the past year to taking care of my love, and I'm thankful that we were able to just LIVE - completely and wholeheartedly. I'm thankful for the privilege of motherhood. I'm thankful for my son. I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful that even though I have so much to be sad about, that I am able to still recognize life's true blessings and gifts and that I am able to remain positive, hopeful, and still have the ability to smile and sing to my son. He deserves the best of me, and I'm thankful that so far, he's gotten it.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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